Graduating....

After many blows

After the tears of pain

After returning to the past

After wallowing on the past

After the eyes which looked me down

I raced

From the middle of the  fear ,pain & hopelessness

I decided to believe in  my dreams

I decided to try to believe in my future

Even if every time I believed, waited and hoped

The future didn't give me the things  I wanted or needed

But I tried not to lost my mind

I wanted to show them that im strong

get them know me

Know that they can not step up me again

Get them understand their wrongs

I wanted to believe in my dreams and future

That’s what I will do

Now,tomorrow and forever

Written by: Hope

How could I tell you how I feel. Today,another day,tomorrow another day. 

I'm ending my comprehensive school this year,in these weeks. Every girl is speaking  about clothing to the graduating celebration ; "I will wear this and this what are you going to  wear?". Yeah,well I do not have any idea  of what I'm going  to wear.I do not have time to think what I'm going to wear,the people of my land are dying,I feel so depressed and every time I try to speak with my  loved ones about the  graduating,the answer is "Girl, you have everything you would like to have",yeah well I have given up about the dress,hair,make up (I don't use make up,so from the easiest side) and the new clothes.Even the class trip,the last class trip I have given up.I want just two things: flowers to the teachers and new shoes. But if I can chose  what I would do on the graduation day, I would travel as fast i could to my real home,to my real land: Free Libya.

Well,this day,went as fast as the last nine years.And I have the urge to tell you that  I'm calculating the days to the end of school.I'm so bored,I want to begin from the zero,but as long as I'm  wallowing in my past in this school,I can't.

And now I'm scaring that I will not get in the High School I want,so thats another good reason to be depressed.

BUT: I have to believe till the end that I'm born to be someone and I have meaning.And the best will (iA ) happen,but a bit (a bit? I have waited nine long years) later.

With love, Hope

Invisible,I want to be Invisible

Today I had  exam,I did well,but to tell you the truth my school day weren't comfortable.
 I'll tell you first who I am,then it would be much easier to understand my feelings.

When I was six I had my first school day.From that day the teachers had treated me as infectious diseases.
With out any chances and because I failed one exam,the put me on special math class (that means--> when the other class has normal lesson,I was removed to another class).

When I went to the 3rd grade,I was the only one who had foreigner background. That was the first reason to bully  me at school.I have black hair and brown eyes,everyday someone was commenting about my weird curly hair and about my big eyes,which were too "big" to my face. My school days were about like this.Come to school at the morning and when the lesson begins I take off my coat and shoes (we didn't use shoes at the class). When I stepped inside,everyone  just looked at me like:

                             "I will not sit beside you,because you're not popular"

I never referred to any of my teacher questions.Never.I was too scared.I disliked the eyes of my classmates and my teachers eyes. I didn't have any self confident. When the class ended I could find my shoes in the trash,coat messed up,gloves stolen etc.In the end of day,going back home all the way name-calling.


But:

When I was eight I met a girl,she was very kind and different of any my classmates.She became my first and only one friend. For five years I was so blind,I told her my future dreams,problems, secrets and my feelings about school bullying. She was the only one at my entire class degree,who wanted to be my friend.I was so glad of having new friend.

When I was twelve , happened a small misunderstanding. This  misunderstanding became to be for me a real hell. She began to give me e-mails ,in these mails she name-called my family,religion,look and everything possible. In the middle of the night I may had calls were I was called with very bad words.

She was my only one friend.For five years  she have talked about my secrets and problems to others,and that weren't for her enough; she spread about me  false rumors.

That hurted  me so much. Till now I  have not had a real friend.

But now,for two years, I've been hanging with girl group.They are so important for me,I trust on them and they are  like my  mainstay.Without them I cannot respond back to my school bullies,I don't dare.I'm too kind and shy.

But these girl,day by day,are hurting me more and more. Day by day I'm getting depressed more and more.  I realize that they just want to benefit from my success  at school and some other things. They are getting me to the same eating disorder and deep depression I had when I was younger.

That really hurts me so much. And I really want to tell them that they hurt me,really want to leave them.Really want to stop lying to my real loved ones.Really want to leave all this s**t,but I can't.Reason is: I scear to death to be alone again. I scare it more than anything.

I have peoples around me,but I feel so lonely.

My sister said to me:

                                                       "One day,you will have real friends"

Now I wonder : when? when would come that day?
I have waited for it long nine years,but no.

I feel so alone
I feel so depressed 
I feel so useless
I feel so ?
But I still believe,that one day something good will happen,and I'm  working and waiting for it.

With Love: Hope

Future

I have weird feeling...it's late,i have tomorrow school.I should do my homeworks and then sleep.
But I'm writing this.
I don't know why.
Just now i had very weird feeling, if the feeling had voice it could have said

 "Believe in your dreams".

Yes,i don't believe in my dreams.I don't believe that i even have  future.
But i have to.


When i was younger,my dream was to become a doctor,but my teachers said for me 

"A doctor? Girl,don't dream about things that never would be true".

  Those words,I will never forget them.Till today my biggest dream is to become a doctor. But everyone who knows about my dreams and future plans,laughs and says that it could never happened.Day by day,i think what is the matter that no one wants to believe in my future? I really would like to ask why?

Now,in this age, I would like to be someone who could work with those who have eating disorders,depression and just help peoples.Help them,that they could believe in their dreams,just like i would like to.

Yes,I know,very messy text,but can't help it.

With love, Hope

My name is Hope And this is my diary

Hi,

I made this,because I need to get someone to know my problems and feelings. I'm person who usually can't speak about own feelings to others.Actually,there is no one who really wants to hear what I am talking about.
 And because of that, I made this blog.I'll write here,as this is my diary,and I'll hope that one day someone would read it.

From the beginning i'm gonna tell you, i'm depressed girl,so the posts would be very depressed and in other times very happy. 

With love, Hope