Don't lose yourself and regret,just love yourself and you're set

I Just Want To Be Beautiful.

Is it fucking hard? Come on,is it? No,it should not be. But why is it?

I dont know,if you know,please tell me.

Today,i felt so different. I felt that im beautiful??  Yes,imagine,first time of my life,i saw something beautiful on my body and face.First time i was proud to be myself. So many years passed by when i  tired to me someone or something. Many years ,actually my whle life till now,i tried to satisfy the peoples around me. Many times I hated my hair,because others disliked it.I hated my big eyes,cause others said they are weird. Now,i love my eyes,I love being different than others,although it hurts,that im not same.But being same with such stuipididiotbitch-girls. I love that the old women and men smiles to me,because im different,or that the childrens feel comfortable with me cause im still childish.I have many good points,that others may not have,just beacuse im proudly different.

You!! Be proud that your unique.

.....such a messy text

Living is such hard thing.
Dying  is such mysterious thing.

Yeah,for couple of days  I have thought to kill myself,imagining myself dead,the peoples around me.One is crying another is shcoked.I want some peoples to feel guilty. 

But in the times i think about death, I remember that I have meaning in this life. There must be even one person in this world who loves and cares about me.Not about what i have or what i can give,but because of me. And im sre killing myself is not a solution,its way to the real hell.

I really can't wait till the 4.6.2011,graduation day.Leaving the shitty school and the hell there. I just want to leave,want to begin from nothing,with no one. Being new in a new place,alone and no one knows my past. That is what I want. 

You know how does it feel when you want to be free,happy and live without regarding that you live? Do you know how feels to live 24/7 with fear and sadness?  If you know,could you please tell me what is my problem? 

HNNGH.... I really want to explain my feelings to peoples,but when they  sit beside me and ask what is my problem and am I okey.I lie.And I say yes,everything is Ok. And when Im near to say my feelings,the peoples are so happy and glad,that i dont wanna make them feel bad. Simply,i dislike to make them worry about me.

Beacuse then i feel more bad,and really want to leave this place.

Yesterday,was the first day i sang with my voice to peoples around me; my  friends.
I didn't hear my voice,beacuse i was listening to the song.For first time, I made peoples open their mouths and just be shocked,because of a good thing. First time in my life. They said beautiful voice. I was very happy that i even  cried. Yeah,but no one is going to hear my voice,because i hate it,i can't sing hearing my voice. Yeah,i dont know what im explaining here,no idea.

I really want to fly away,leave everything and just fly awy,leaving everyone,being selfish for once and caring only about myself. Yes,i want to be selfish-


with love and care: Hope

Beauty

Beauty, what  is actually beauty. Ok.

Beautiful is an adjective used to describe things as possessing beauty.

Beauty is a characteristic of a person, animal, place, object, or idea that provides a perceptual experience of pleasure, meaning, or satisfaction.

THIS IS WHAT WIKIPEDIA SAYS.

but in my opinion, each one is beautiful on his & her own way. To lock these two things > beautiful and beauty in one box is simply wrong. Everyone of us is unique, there is no one who is exactly same, that means that we, each one of us, has own beauty, may not in face or body, but in our hearts. That someone says that you or I are ugly  ,is wrong and it hurts ,but we have to remember ,that this is THEIR opinion not your or mine. Just one person in this world thinks that, and who cares if more ,really ? Who are they to judge you ?

Do not judge yourself through someone else eyes.

Love and judge yourself through your own eyes.

That someone says ,for you or me, it hurts, we may not forget it. We will always remember it ,may we will cry the night ,may we will have the wound in our hearts and minds ,may we will look in the mirror and begin to judge ourselves. It's not wrong, if we wouldn't be hurted  now, we will remember it in the future,  if we now couldn't understood our feelings and forget,we will remember and realize that we never forgot those words,if we wouldn't cry now,we will cry in the future,and the wound may not hurt you or me now,but in the coming days,for sure will hurt and bleed inside us.But looking in the mirror,with critizing eyes,is wrong,beacues when you need to criticize yourself,you will see the beautiful thing  as ugly thing,That will hurt you more than any word.

When you look at yourself from the mirror,remember your beautiful with they way you are,not with the way THEY want you to be.

Beauty,what is it? Its full of meaning and has so large meaning to has one roletype.

In my eyes beauty is natural, the plastic surgery will not make us prettier. NO,plastic surgery may change our look,but not what we are really.Never. In the end no one  will fall for your face or body,the will see it first,they may like it,but not love it.

Beautiful. So many girls and women want to be beautiful. They could even make plastic surgery. My opinion of the surgery,is a bit upper ^^

If we all are the same as the typical type of word beauty or beautiful, there would not be beauty and no one would be beautiful in own way.

The idea of being beautiful is that we are all unique,we are all different.

Not the same. Not saying that being thin,with blond long hair and pretty blue eyes is ugly,but when everyone look like this,how we could say that difference is beauty,when everyone is same?

Day by day,I realize that the media and modeling world is so dangerous. They bring for the teenagers pictures about thin girls that some people could suffer to  have it,actually the most of girls suffer to have this kind of body.  Its getting me mad,the beauty  standard  is simply driving any girl to the way eating disorders and depression. When I read about young girls who are suffering from eating disoreds,and that they DO NOT have any help from the professionals,is making me sad,get the tears on my eyes and most of all makes me angry.

WHY?

One of the reasons is the beauty standard ,which form for me and maybe you picture that we are not enough to be beautiful.

WE ARE EACH ONE BEAUTIFUL IN OUR OWN WAY!! REMEMBER THAT!

with love: hope

Remember That

If you started to miss me remember, I didn't walk away,you let me go

I never wanted that day to come

I loved you so much

I couldn't live without you

You were part of me

I never though I could to live without you

I cried, asking why

My tears faded away

My feelings for you flied away

I missed you so much

I never wanted to leave you

I didn’t want to go away

But you let me go

So remember

When you miss me remember

That I loved you

And didn't want to leave you

But you  let  me go

Clothes

I though to do post of style and clothes,so here you are. And to tell everyone,these clothes are not my style,I have bit weird style :D

Bag-Gina Tricot 24.95€

Shirt- H&M 9.95€ __Shorts- Gina Tricot 34.95€

                                                Shoes H&M 12.95€__Scarf- Gina Tricot  9.95€

This is some kind of summer style, I think it's very  casual and comfortable.But I would like to clarify, that the shorts the style with high waste so the shirt could be pretty to put under the shorts,if you understood what I mean. The style is very beautiful,but too colorfull to me :(

And because it's time of spring,and so many celebrate different things,here is party/celebration package:

Dress-H&M 39.95€

Shoes- Nelly.com 41.95€

Arm jewelry-Gina Tricot 16.95€

HOPE YOU LIKE

BTW FINLAND JUST WON WORLD CHAMPIONS ICE HOCKEY

6-1 SWEDEN  LOST

Love

Like any girl I had loved too,and I didn't do anything else than broke my heart and never getting it fixed.
Still I cry nights,still my heart is pounding in my chest,still I need someone who says "I love you",not because what I have,but because who I am.

But living day by day,hour by hour,minit by minit and realize that I have some feelings hidden under my evil side. Hidden  and trying to survive till the end without breaking own heart. That's really sad,really.

When  one girl said her dream is to have a boyfriend,I laughed on her face.
And I do not regard my reaction.The only thing I  really want to have,is that I can laugh from my heart. Laughing without conscience knocking.Really.

I don't know why,but loving someone in such  a young age and breaking heart in an early time is simply wrong.
I don't know how to explain my feelings,but I'm really bored,to see young teenagers crying and getting depression because they broke up. It's really sad.

To anyone who's reading this: Just follow your heart,but don't forget that there is big line between reality and love story. When you throw everything to a one person,who could leave you in anytime,whats the point on it? 
The one who you loved and gave everything,are you sure he/she will stay behind you for ever?Or love forever?

Just question and no clear answer.

With love,Hope

Graduating....

After many blows

After the tears of pain

After returning to the past

After wallowing on the past

After the eyes which looked me down

I raced

From the middle of the  fear ,pain & hopelessness

I decided to believe in  my dreams

I decided to try to believe in my future

Even if every time I believed, waited and hoped

The future didn't give me the things  I wanted or needed

But I tried not to lost my mind

I wanted to show them that im strong

get them know me

Know that they can not step up me again

Get them understand their wrongs

I wanted to believe in my dreams and future

That’s what I will do

Now,tomorrow and forever

Written by: Hope

How could I tell you how I feel. Today,another day,tomorrow another day. 

I'm ending my comprehensive school this year,in these weeks. Every girl is speaking  about clothing to the graduating celebration ; "I will wear this and this what are you going to  wear?". Yeah,well I do not have any idea  of what I'm going  to wear.I do not have time to think what I'm going to wear,the people of my land are dying,I feel so depressed and every time I try to speak with my  loved ones about the  graduating,the answer is "Girl, you have everything you would like to have",yeah well I have given up about the dress,hair,make up (I don't use make up,so from the easiest side) and the new clothes.Even the class trip,the last class trip I have given up.I want just two things: flowers to the teachers and new shoes. But if I can chose  what I would do on the graduation day, I would travel as fast i could to my real home,to my real land: Free Libya.

Well,this day,went as fast as the last nine years.And I have the urge to tell you that  I'm calculating the days to the end of school.I'm so bored,I want to begin from the zero,but as long as I'm  wallowing in my past in this school,I can't.

And now I'm scaring that I will not get in the High School I want,so thats another good reason to be depressed.

BUT: I have to believe till the end that I'm born to be someone and I have meaning.And the best will (iA ) happen,but a bit (a bit? I have waited nine long years) later.

With love, Hope

Invisible,I want to be Invisible

Today I had  exam,I did well,but to tell you the truth my school day weren't comfortable.
 I'll tell you first who I am,then it would be much easier to understand my feelings.

When I was six I had my first school day.From that day the teachers had treated me as infectious diseases.
With out any chances and because I failed one exam,the put me on special math class (that means--> when the other class has normal lesson,I was removed to another class).

When I went to the 3rd grade,I was the only one who had foreigner background. That was the first reason to bully  me at school.I have black hair and brown eyes,everyday someone was commenting about my weird curly hair and about my big eyes,which were too "big" to my face. My school days were about like this.Come to school at the morning and when the lesson begins I take off my coat and shoes (we didn't use shoes at the class). When I stepped inside,everyone  just looked at me like:

                             "I will not sit beside you,because you're not popular"

I never referred to any of my teacher questions.Never.I was too scared.I disliked the eyes of my classmates and my teachers eyes. I didn't have any self confident. When the class ended I could find my shoes in the trash,coat messed up,gloves stolen etc.In the end of day,going back home all the way name-calling.


But:

When I was eight I met a girl,she was very kind and different of any my classmates.She became my first and only one friend. For five years I was so blind,I told her my future dreams,problems, secrets and my feelings about school bullying. She was the only one at my entire class degree,who wanted to be my friend.I was so glad of having new friend.

When I was twelve , happened a small misunderstanding. This  misunderstanding became to be for me a real hell. She began to give me e-mails ,in these mails she name-called my family,religion,look and everything possible. In the middle of the night I may had calls were I was called with very bad words.

She was my only one friend.For five years  she have talked about my secrets and problems to others,and that weren't for her enough; she spread about me  false rumors.

That hurted  me so much. Till now I  have not had a real friend.

But now,for two years, I've been hanging with girl group.They are so important for me,I trust on them and they are  like my  mainstay.Without them I cannot respond back to my school bullies,I don't dare.I'm too kind and shy.

But these girl,day by day,are hurting me more and more. Day by day I'm getting depressed more and more.  I realize that they just want to benefit from my success  at school and some other things. They are getting me to the same eating disorder and deep depression I had when I was younger.

That really hurts me so much. And I really want to tell them that they hurt me,really want to leave them.Really want to stop lying to my real loved ones.Really want to leave all this s**t,but I can't.Reason is: I scear to death to be alone again. I scare it more than anything.

I have peoples around me,but I feel so lonely.

My sister said to me:

                                                       "One day,you will have real friends"

Now I wonder : when? when would come that day?
I have waited for it long nine years,but no.

I feel so alone
I feel so depressed 
I feel so useless
I feel so ?
But I still believe,that one day something good will happen,and I'm  working and waiting for it.

With Love: Hope

Future

I have weird feeling...it's late,i have tomorrow school.I should do my homeworks and then sleep.
But I'm writing this.
I don't know why.
Just now i had very weird feeling, if the feeling had voice it could have said

 "Believe in your dreams".

Yes,i don't believe in my dreams.I don't believe that i even have  future.
But i have to.


When i was younger,my dream was to become a doctor,but my teachers said for me 

"A doctor? Girl,don't dream about things that never would be true".

  Those words,I will never forget them.Till today my biggest dream is to become a doctor. But everyone who knows about my dreams and future plans,laughs and says that it could never happened.Day by day,i think what is the matter that no one wants to believe in my future? I really would like to ask why?

Now,in this age, I would like to be someone who could work with those who have eating disorders,depression and just help peoples.Help them,that they could believe in their dreams,just like i would like to.

Yes,I know,very messy text,but can't help it.

With love, Hope

My name is Hope And this is my diary

Hi,

I made this,because I need to get someone to know my problems and feelings. I'm person who usually can't speak about own feelings to others.Actually,there is no one who really wants to hear what I am talking about.
 And because of that, I made this blog.I'll write here,as this is my diary,and I'll hope that one day someone would read it.

From the beginning i'm gonna tell you, i'm depressed girl,so the posts would be very depressed and in other times very happy. 

With love, Hope