Invisible,I want to be Invisible

Today I had  exam,I did well,but to tell you the truth my school day weren't comfortable.
 I'll tell you first who I am,then it would be much easier to understand my feelings.

When I was six I had my first school day.From that day the teachers had treated me as infectious diseases.
With out any chances and because I failed one exam,the put me on special math class (that means--> when the other class has normal lesson,I was removed to another class).

When I went to the 3rd grade,I was the only one who had foreigner background. That was the first reason to bully  me at school.I have black hair and brown eyes,everyday someone was commenting about my weird curly hair and about my big eyes,which were too "big" to my face. My school days were about like this.Come to school at the morning and when the lesson begins I take off my coat and shoes (we didn't use shoes at the class). When I stepped inside,everyone  just looked at me like:

                             "I will not sit beside you,because you're not popular"

I never referred to any of my teacher questions.Never.I was too scared.I disliked the eyes of my classmates and my teachers eyes. I didn't have any self confident. When the class ended I could find my shoes in the trash,coat messed up,gloves stolen etc.In the end of day,going back home all the way name-calling.


But:

When I was eight I met a girl,she was very kind and different of any my classmates.She became my first and only one friend. For five years I was so blind,I told her my future dreams,problems, secrets and my feelings about school bullying. She was the only one at my entire class degree,who wanted to be my friend.I was so glad of having new friend.

When I was twelve , happened a small misunderstanding. This  misunderstanding became to be for me a real hell. She began to give me e-mails ,in these mails she name-called my family,religion,look and everything possible. In the middle of the night I may had calls were I was called with very bad words.

She was my only one friend.For five years  she have talked about my secrets and problems to others,and that weren't for her enough; she spread about me  false rumors.

That hurted  me so much. Till now I  have not had a real friend.

But now,for two years, I've been hanging with girl group.They are so important for me,I trust on them and they are  like my  mainstay.Without them I cannot respond back to my school bullies,I don't dare.I'm too kind and shy.

But these girl,day by day,are hurting me more and more. Day by day I'm getting depressed more and more.  I realize that they just want to benefit from my success  at school and some other things. They are getting me to the same eating disorder and deep depression I had when I was younger.

That really hurts me so much. And I really want to tell them that they hurt me,really want to leave them.Really want to stop lying to my real loved ones.Really want to leave all this s**t,but I can't.Reason is: I scear to death to be alone again. I scare it more than anything.

I have peoples around me,but I feel so lonely.

My sister said to me:

                                                       "One day,you will have real friends"

Now I wonder : when? when would come that day?
I have waited for it long nine years,but no.

I feel so alone
I feel so depressed 
I feel so useless
I feel so ?
But I still believe,that one day something good will happen,and I'm  working and waiting for it.

With Love: Hope